Preface
The Switch is a story built on the notion that, aside from those who are clinically insane, Bush supporters only exist due to being seriously ill-informed. But if you could wave a magic wand to make them all cognizant of the facts then his support would completely evaporate...and it doesn't take magic to communicate information.
It starts off as a metaphor on how �progress� is a misnomer, but by page 3 the spanking begins. Yes, 40 pages is long, but that's because there's that much to spank him for. See for yourself why the mother of a soldier in Iraq said that she was honored to have read it and why a woman who rarely reads couldn't put it down; and admitted afterwards that she shouldn't have voted for Bush�
"Democracy is the most difficult of all forms of government, since it requires the widest spread of intelligence..." ~ Will Durant
"Freedom is always in danger, and the majority of mankind will always acquiesce in its loss, unless a minority is willing to challenge the privileges of its few and the apathy of the masses." ~ R.H.S. Crossman
"The will of the people is the only legitimate foundation of any government, and to protect its free expression should be our first object." ~ Thomas Jefferson
"...A battering ram doesn't work if you hold it sideways." ~ Jeff Poster
�The Switch
*denotes hyperlinks you should view upon the first reading
Day 1 Lesson 1
8:01 a.m. Teacher places a 10-ounce glass containing 5 ounces of water on the desk and asks, �Class, is this glass half empty or half full?� Half of the students say �half empty.� The teacher explains that the correct answer is half full since we�re supposed to look for the good in everything because that�s what makes everything good: looking for it. However, since there is potential good and bad in all things, seeing the good won�t always be easy�sometimes you have to look extra hard. �For instance,� says the teacher, �if a teacher has a student who is very disruptive and doesn�t study, then seeing the bad would be easy; and it would also be very easy to write that student off as incorrigible. But if the teacher looks really hard and sees the potential of that student then with the extra attention, determination and patience required the teacher will bring out the good in her. Because good only arises out of a lot of effort and nurturing, whereas it is very easy to bring out the bad in something since all that requires is abuse and/or neglect. And nothing takes less talent than being destructive, (�except of course for pornography.)
�Conversely, a teacher could have a student who always gets good grades and helps promote group cohesion. Even a pessimist could see the good in such a student since the good would be very easy to discern with no effort necessary (on the part of the teacher).
�In other words, class, *perceiving beauty is simple. *Creating beauty is work.
�Work is beautiful.� Having finished the only lesson planned the teacher says the students are dismissed until tomorrow. So the students all get together after class to think of a game to play until they have to go back to school the next day. One of the original optimists suggests that they try to figure out what the next question will be. To make it interesting and have some friendly competition he says that they should split up into two groups, the half who said half full, and the half who said half empty; i.e., Group O and Group P. (He actually figured that since Group P was too dumb to guess half full that he probably would be in the winning group.)
So they split up to figure out what the next question will be and before long someone in Group O declares: �The next question will probably be: Who wants to fill up the glass?� (Group P hadn�t even bothered to try and guess the next question; they were just glad that they could go out and play.)
So the next day Group O is excited about showing off to the teacher that their team already knows the next question. However, their zeal gets pre-empted by the teacher�s announcement: �Although everyone said they understood that they�re supposed to look up, not everyone actually internalized the lesson, so I have to repeat it. Because until everyone actually applies it to the real world I�m not authorized to ask anymore questions.�
So the teacher repeated the first question and all of the students of course now say �half full.� The teacher reiterates why that�s the correct answer, and then tells them that they�re dismissed until tomorrow. �So, go home, and, hopefully, you�ll all take a hint, then tomorrow we�ll be able to consider Lesson 1 accomplished.�
Group O is annoyed that Group P was evidently gumming up the works by merely giving lip service to the teacher�s theory of optimism, but they figured that in the meantime they might as well just keep trying to anticipate all of the next lessons in order to impress the teacher. Before long someone comes to the conclusion that since they can�t actually go on until everyone looks up, then they won�t be able to go further until everyone actually brings in 5 ounces of water.
Unfortunately, the next day the teacher has to give the same spiel, reminding them that until everyone actually looks up, he�s not allowed to ask any more questions. This happens the next day too and the day after that. In fact, they keep repeating this cycle for years. Eventually, the teacher had to retire and be replaced; and the students had gotten so old that they ended up sending their children to repeat Lesson 1 on their behalf. In fact, this cycle repeated itself for generations so that the students in Group O had a LOT of time to keep pursuing the teacher�s probable agenda. Within all of that time they had figured that the next lesson must be how to make a 10-ounce glass. And they wouldn�t be able to move on until everyone actually built his or her own glass and filled it with water.
So, with all of that time on their hands they were able to teach themselves how to build their own glasses. They were quite proud and eager for the teacher to finally move on so that they could show off what they had accomplished�and rub it in Group P�s faces. Meanwhile, Group P had decided sometime back that they ought to see if they could come up with the next lesson so that they wouldn�t be too far behind Group O. Unfortunately, though, everyone came up with different ideas for what the next question would be, but they never were able to settle on just one of them. So they became dejected that they weren�t accomplishing anything. Eventually they gave up and became indifferent. They ended up looking down.
Meanwhile, after each Group O member successfully had built his or her own 10-ounce glass, they then determined that they should learn how to make wine; and then after that they should each learn how to cultivate their own unique brand of wine. Then, finally, after all of that time and all that they had achieved, they realized that if they wanted to keep making progress, they�d have to build an 11-ounce glass.
For this stage of making progress, however, despite how relatively smoothly they had quickly accomplished so much, they were now having tremendous difficulty figuring out how to successfully build an 11-ounce glass. For some unknown reason every prototype 11-ounce glass was always lacking structural integrity and would crack. So, now, when the teacher continued to just keep repeating Lesson 1, members of Group O got restless and frustrated since they didn�t know what to do with themselves in lieu of making progress with construction. Finally, though, on the evening of November 12, 2005, while a number of optimists from all walks of life were attending a seminar on how to make colored glass, Elaine Benes suddenly wigged out from the frustration and implored the other attendees to join her in getting pro-active: �People!! Why don�t we just go meet the teacher in private and ask him what the catch is to building an 11-ounce glass?! Because if we don�t force the issue soon, our camel�s back will be history!�
�True that,� said everyone else.
So at 9:34 Elaine called the teacher at home and charmed him into meeting them at the school despite the late hour. �I don�t have the key to the schoolhouse,� he said, �but there�s a window to my classroom that I leave unlocked, so I�ll meet you all there in 30 minutes. But I�m warning you: that window is closing at precisely 10:04, and it�s not opening again. Because I don�t take kindly to dawdlers.�
So at 10:04 the teacher closed the window and then Elaine exasperatedly asked, �What are you waiting for?! We tried to go on ahead by ourselves and for a while we were making such fantastic progress. But we�ve hit a wall and can�t figure out how to negotiate it. Do you have any intention of ever just asking the next question to those of us in Group O who have been looking up? Or could you at least tell us what the trick is to building an 11-ounce glass already!?�
�Well, let me ask you something. When do all of you intend to stop looking down?�
�Huh? Us? We haven�t been looking down. Just look at all the progress we�ve made,� Elaine said.
��Progress�? Okay, I guess you could call it that. But tell me something. Why did you guys split up into two groups when you decided to go ahead without my guidance? Wouldn�t it have made more sense to stick together to maximize your labor force and collective ingenuity? Did you guys have something against Group P?�
�We just figured that they�d hold us back and make us look bad.�
�Well, that wasn�t a very optimistic way of looking at your fellow students, was it?�
Silence.
�Have you seen the so-called progress that Group P has made? Have you been to Mexico City or Uganda lately? Have you seen the children in China wearing surgeons� masks in the playground? Have you any idea what a catastrophic problem the use of depleted uranium as weaponry is? Do you realize that in 48 states you can�t eat the fish?! Have you not read this and this and this? Did you know that an ice shelf the size of Long Island broke off recently and that numerous dead polar bears have been found floating in the water because the ice patches that they drift on have become so sparse? And have you not read Joe Klein�s September 22, 2005 Time article, �Is It Too Late to Win the War?� or Barbara Ehrenreich�s Bait
and Switch: The (Futile) Pursuit of the American Dream or Jeffrey Hart�s The Making of the American Conservative Mind? Have you seen the kind of parking lot cities like Atlanta turn into every workday? You would think that their mayor never heard of The Law of Diminishing Returns. �Look, the reason that you haven�t been able to build an 11-ounce glass is because it just can�t be done unless all of the builders are looking up. If you guys had been looking up on Group P all along, then the 11-ounce glass would have been structurally sound; simple as that.�
�Oh. But why didn�t you just tell us this a long time ago instead of letting us go up against that wall and have all of this hassle?� �Don�t blame me because you�re all bad listeners who can�t take a hint.� �Well, now that we�ve learned from our mistake everything should be pretty smooth sailing from
here, right?�
�Do you really think that it could be that easy to fix such an exponential mistake after all of this time? Did you not hear what I just said about the extent to which Group P�s penchant for indifference�along with your group�s penchant for ignoring the law of cause and long-term effects in your frantic rush to make progress�has undermined posterity? I guess if the �O� in �Group O� stands for �ostriches� then perhaps you�re good to go. But if you take your heads out of the sand then you�ll see that it�s about time you all dropped down on your knees and prayed your hearts out for help from above, figuratively speaking.�
�Oh, come on. It�s not that bad. Surely those problems can be reversed through people power.�
��People power�? Look, even if everyone amongst both Group O and Group P were smart and healthy (let alone honest), unless you get yourselves some coordination power you can�t expect your people power to amount to a hill of beans. But, considering the actual state of the people in Group P, even with co-ordination power you�re going to have to hold your breath. I mean, do you have any idea how rampant and PERVERSE pornography has become? Have you not heard about the utterly inf#%kingsane proselytizing going on at the Air Force Academy? Not to mention that these same people have commandeered sex education in public schools and insist on teaching the fantasy-based philosophy of abstinence-only while compounding the insanity by LYING to students. And have you not seen the documentaries The Corporation, Control Room and Outfoxed? I mean, you people can put a man on the moon, yet you can�t even ingrain in your children that littering is counterproductive.
And do you realize that not only do some of the students from Group P answer their cell phones at the movie theatre, but sometimes they will actually PLACE THE CALL. And some of them have gotten so silly, and so squeamish about letting their kids just be kids, that they�ve done away with dodge ball! To top off the pathetic absurdity of it, not only have they done away with keeping score at little league games, but they don�t even call strikes�every kid can just stay up at bat until he hits it. How they can tell a game from a practice I�ll never know, but I�ve got perpetual vertigo from rolling my eyes 24/7.
But, heck, why should I be surprised that the hoi polloi have become so incongruent when even the elite can�t demonstrate a modicum of common sense or conscience.
I mean, just look at 5/9 of the Supreme Court. In Bush v. Gore they actually said with a straight face that counting all of the votes would be undemocratic because each district used different counting methods. By that rationale, none of the votes anywhere should have been counted. Talk about your activist judges! You would think that the other Justices would have taken them out to the woodshed to hold their feet to the fire and demand an explanation as to how it�s intellectually congruent to claim that democracy is better served by selecting the wrong winner today just for the sake of not further prolonging the state of transitional limbo instead of taking the necessary time to insure that the transition was democratic.
And you would think that The Liberal Media would have dropped everything to have every front page read �BULLSHIT ELECTION, BULLSHIT PRESIDENT!!!!!� everyday until President-Elect Gore was sworn in and those 5 Justices, Jeb Bush and Katherine Harris were put in jail.
The only event more shameless and criminal was when 24 had the audacity to have Nina end up being the double agent even though she was the one who had previously warned the other agents that Jack was being coerced into killing the president. Yet, people still bothered to watch the following seasons! But, heck, why should I be surprised by something as inconsequential as that? After all, citizens are being sent to die for oil, yet during the daytime nobody even bothers to make the monumental effort needed to SHUT OFF THE FRICKEN LIGHTS OUTSIDE. But, hey, at least y�all can take solace in the fact that McDonald�s has a new healthy menu�and Ronald Fugging McDonald himself was on MSNBC to tell us about it.�
�Teacher, that�s nothing,� said Jake Johansen. �Some people have gone so berserk that they�ve felt the need to secularize the lyrics to �Silent Night�!� �Jesus, Mary and Joseph!!� decried the teacher. �What a bunch of fruitcakes!!� �Actually, teacher,� said Janeane Garafolo, �that story is based on a serious misconstruing of what actually happened. Just read this to see for yourself.�
�Teacher, I�ve taught my teenagers that it�s cruel and shortsighted to bring children into this hellhole of a planet, so they should adopt if they want to have kids. Are you telling me that they�re being taught that they should remain abstinent for life? Don�t these evangelical fundamentalists realize that such a policy is apt to compel guys to get married prematurely in order to avoid not having a sex life?�
�Who knows? I don�t think those people are capable of processing facts. Otherwise they wouldn�t still be insisting on this policy despite the fact that the results of it have been increased rates of STDs and unplanned pregnancies amongst teens; (and imagine what a bumper crop that generation will be if we don�t pick up all of that slack).�
�Teacher, speaking of how clueless they are in Texas, I saw a story there about a wonderful white couple with 4 teenagers who had been fostering a black toddler for a year. Eventually, though, the black people running social services had such huge chips on their shoulders that they insisted on taking the child away from them so that he could be adopted by a sub-par black couple. On the day he was to be taken away they found him in the bathroom covered in toothpaste. Crying with anguish he said, �I�m white now, so can I stay?� ...The dysfunctional couple they gave him to ended up beating him to death.� The teacher let out a heavy sigh, then remarked: �As David Letterman once said, �It�s a shame that people aren�t smarter.� A GOSH DARN, COTTON PICKING SHAME. �And there ought to be a law.� �Teacher,� asked Emily Nite, �since you brought it up, don�t you think, though, that it worked out for the best that George W. Bush was selected president?�
�Only if you�re being sarcastic. Otherwise, Emily, are you asking because you don�t know the difference between good results and bad results or because you get your news from The Daily Fiction Constitution? And how can you be comfortable with the world�s worst communicator? Don�t you realize that a leader�s potential (to mobilize) is directly proportional to how effective of a communicator he is? Because as parenting expert John Rosemond will tell us: �Good leaders and teachers use compelling speech.� And do you not also realize that the other equally important attribute of an effective leader is trustworthiness?�
�How do you figure?� Leonardo DiCaprio asked.
�Well, suppose a genie offered you an unlimited lifetime supply of one of the following whenever you asked for more: gold, money, marijuana, all varieties of food and beverage, weaponry, or everybody�s complete trust. Guess which one would be the most valuable choice.�
Leo shrugged his shoulders.
�Let me put it this way: The guy who takes the trust would we permitted to give a back massage to practically any girl he wanted, whereas the guy who takes the money would have to expend a lot of money to eventually earn that kind of trust; and that still might not suffice.�
�Teacher,� Leo said, �for those of us for whom it would be superfluous to pick the trust, what would be the next best choice?� �That depends on how optimistically you view the future.� �Actually, teacher,� said someone else, �it would make more sense to take the food and beverage as the first choice since you could wish for enough for everyone and then you�d have everyone�s trust as well.� �Actually, student, since the real world doesn�t have magic genies it makes more sense to take the trust, and then with that trust direct the people to allocate enough farmland to feed everyone.
�So, anyway, whether it�s fair or not, Bush�s reputation is to the point where he got boos and whistles at the pope�s funeral, and Holland�s Supreme Court almost decided to have him arrested when he arrived there, and �opinion polls in many nations showed substantial numbers who thought that �bin Laden was more likely to do the right thing than Bush.�� And, considering that the words that come out of his mouth have no bearing on the man�s decisions, you can�t tell me that his reputation is not deserved. I mean, the man claims to be compassionate, yet he eviscerates safety nets for the poor, waives the Geneva Convention protections for prisoners� some of whom are innocent�and has no problem allowing a man to be executed even when the sole witness of the crime admits to making it up for the reward money and the alleged murderer was so mentally challenged that he held the gun backwards when the police asked him to hold the murder weapon. And, when speaking to a journalist about death-row inmate Karla Faye Tucker, Mr. Bush did a mock imitation of her with: �Oh, please don�t kill me.� (It�s criminal that Democrats and journalists didn�t repeat this fact around the clock until it was the death knell for Bush�s presidential aspirations; along with the fact that he spared the life of self-confessed child molester and mass-murderer Henry Lee Lukass�the only death row inmate to ever earn clemency from Bush. (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!))�
�Wow,� said Emily, �I had no idea how ignorant I was of Mr. Bush's inconsistencies and utter lack of leadership abilities. Gosh, now I�m suddenly frightened to realize just what kind of jeopardy we�re in as long as such a man remains in charge. What do you think we should do about it, teacher?� �Well, Emily, let�s suppose for the sake of argument that Mr. Bush is actually a decent man with good intentions; (humor me). If so, then you guys should let him in on the newsflash that communicative prowess and trustworthiness are the most integral attributes of a real leader. Then remind him that whenever he communicates he sounds like someone who *has no idea what he�s talking about, especially on the subjects of Truth, Justice and The American Way.�
�Could you give some examples of his inability to communicate?�
�Well, just pick anytime he�s ever spoken and there�s a 99% chance that * it�s embarrassing to listen to him unless every word was written for him in advance (and even then, don�t hold your breath). But the quintessential example that��
�Teacher! Teacher!� Drew Barrymore interjected, �I bet you�re going to say that the quintessential example is the time that he said either: a) �You teach a child to read and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.� b) the time when he used the esoteric word �dissemble� and then facetiously added in his usual pedantic tone, �That
means to not tell the truth.� �Except he didn�t actually say �dissemble,� he said �disassemble.� c) the fact that he said during the State of the Union address, �You�re either with us or against us,� but then two years later told the White House press corps: �Foreign policy is not an either/or proposition.� d) �After standing on the stage, after the debates, I made it very plain: we will not have an all-volunteer army.� e) how, according to Robert McNamara, he botched relations with Beijing so badly we could end up at war with China in the next decade, f) � Our enemies� never stop thinking of new ways to harm our country, and neither do we.� g) his ineffable attempt in Kansas on Jan. 23, 2005 to trick Americans into somehow believing that we should take him more seriously than Barney Fife or Barney the Dinosaur, h) saying about 9/11 on 1/05/02 that �It was an interesting day.� i) his 26 April 2001 speech solely devoted to facetiously mocking his unique inability to think and speak�and the audience dutifully laughed and applauded as though thinking and speaking coherently has no correlation with successful leadership, j) saying that the �saddest part� about his presidency is that he now only has time to jog 3 miles a day, k) �Whether or not we can be ever fully safe is up�you know, is up in the air.� l) �Laura and I really don't realize how bright our children is sometimes until we get an objective analysis.� or m) �when he waved to Stevie Wonder.�
�Close, Drew, but the quintessential example that the man can�t communicate comes from his own admission during a debate with Al Gore where he was asked why he said Jesus Christ was his favorite political philosopher. He responded: �It�s not something you can explain.� Well, somebody should have explained to him right then and there that the first prerequisite to being a qualified politician is that you must be able to explain the core of your political philosophy. I mean, for Christ�s sake, there are 5-year-olds who could explain in one sentence why Jesus Christ is a good political role model. The degree to which that grated me to the core can only be expressed in the inimitable style of Howard Dean: * YAAAAAHARRGHYREEEAAGH!!!!!�
�But, teacher,� remarked George Carlin, �at least Bush�s policies reflect the teachings of Jesus. After all, didn�t Jesus say something to the effect of: �Lead by example�torture your enemies, bullshit your ass off, rape Mother Nature, then slit her throat, give ample lip service to the poor, and above all: DON�T ****LET THE WORKERS ORGANIZE.��
�Teacher,� David Cross proffered, �if Bush had been capable of articulating *the Conservative philosophy, perhaps he would have said: �The Conservative ideology is that the government can�t be trusted �so try to get us elected because I�m telling you up front that you can�t trust us once you do.��
�Well,� said Stephanie Miller, �at least he finally did find the words to encapsulate the Republican spirit when, on March 26, 2006 he astutely pointed out: �The government is not a loving organization.��
�Teacher,� Larry Miller said, �you should think before you speak. I mean, give me a break. How can you say that was the quintessential example? Did you not see the first debate between him and Kerry?�
�Oh, right. I guess I repressed that memory because it was so *frightening and heart-wrenching to see that the leader of the so-called greatest country on Earth should have his mouth duct taped for life.�
�Teacher,� Jim Carrey suggested, �don�t you think, though, that the argument could be made that the fact that his town hall meetings screen out those who might ask him to communicate explanations for some things he�s got some serious s�plainin� to do is the most beyond-the-pale example that not only can�t he communicate, but he doesn�t even think he�s obligated to. In fact, we�re lucky he even deigns to have fake town hall meetings since he actually once said: �I'm the commander � see, I don't need to explain � I do not need to explain why I say things. That's the interesting thing about being president.�; which is totally in keeping with his tactful joke that �If this were a dictatorship, it would be a heck of a lot easier�just so long as I�m the dictator.��
�That argument could be made, Jim. But I�d sooner argue that he SHOULDN�T communicate; as was first proven when he said he was �willing to do whatever it took to help Taiwan defend herself� against a Chinese attack, including sending American forces; again when he used the word �crusade�; again when *he and Laura told Peggy Noonan that, for them, 9/11 ended on a humorous note; again when he put on his diplomacy hat to proclaim: �Bring �em on.�; again when he told an overwhelmed mother that it was �uniquely American� that she needed to work 3 jobs to make ends meet; again with: �We will export death and violence to the four corners of the earth in defense of our great nation.� �Topping it off on July 13, 2006 when he responded with a joke to a reporter�s question about the grave escalations in the Middle East.�
�If you think that�s bad,� said Keith Olberman, �wait�ll you read All the President�s Spin, by Ben Fritz, Bryan Keefer, and Brendan Nyhan. If we were to bombard Iraq with it then true democracy would come to fruition overnight if we simply added the qualifier that they should do the opposite of everything in it; i.e., teach them that if you have disdain for the press, aren�t transparent, your words contradict reality and you �covertly� manipulate election results, then you�ve got no business calling yourself a democracy.�
�Not only that, teacher, but on 8/30/00 during a CNN online chat he completely corroborated your point with: �Well, I think if you say you�re going to do something and don�t do it, that�s trustworthiness.��
Lewis Black then pointed out: �And twice within a month after that The Master Of Irony gave these prescient warnings: �America better beware of a candidate who is willing to stretch reality in order to win points,� and, �If we don't stop extending our troops all around the world in nation-building missions, then we�re going to have a serious problem coming down the road.��
�And the ironic cherry on top of it all,� said Jerry Springer, �was that Mr. Humility still saw fit to mock John Kerry for having mixed up Lambeau Field with Lambert Field. It�s as if he goes out of his way to make himself *an easy target.�
�Indeed, Jerry. Anyhow, after you hammer home to him that incoherency is not a political asset, let him know that he engenders outrage and contempt across the globe. Once he then realizes that his very presence in office is grossly undermining America�s security *he�ll surely have no choice but to step up to the plate and resign. What�s more, if he truly wants the chance to demonstrate to the world that he is indeed all about democracy and diplomacy, then he would acknowledge the cold hard evidence that John Kerry is the legitimate winner of the 2004 election; and thus allow Mr. Kerry to be sworn in as the rightful commander-in-chief.�
�John Kerry!?�Larry Miller barked. �Good God, man, you just said that for a leader to be viable he has to be someone who the people trust. Yet John Kerry already has thousands of veterans who hate his guts. It made no sense whatsoever for such a man to even have run, especially during a time of war!�
�Well, Larry, that�s why I think he ought to have his citizenship revoked. The worst part, though, is that the man doesn�t even have 20/20 vision in hindsight. After all, he said that knowing what he knows now, he still would have voted for the authorization on the war. Yet he�s the one who was always griping that Bush never came back to Congress as he said he would. So if Kerry could go back in time he would tell Congress, �Hey, I�m from the future and I can tell you that even though Bush says he�ll come back to Congress, he won�t. But I still say that we should vote yes without altering the language of the bill despite the fact that the former Supreme Allied Commander of NATO told us in the first place that we shouldn�t vote yes unless the bill mandates that Bush comes back to Congress.� Because of that absurdly imprudent statement Hillary Clinton had
to try to defend Mr. Kerry to Tim Russert by saying, �I think John�s point was that you can�t make decisions in hindsight.� How the Democratic Party didn�t dissolve into thin air from complete lack of intellectual congruence when she said that, I�ll never know.�
�Well,� said Jeff Poster, �it shouldn�t surprise anyone that Democrats are intellectually incongruent. After all, Kerry is so stupid that he told Tavis Smiley: �The American people are not stupid.� Evidently he doesn�t realize that, as John Adams put it: �When the multitude are pitted against the cunning and unbounded Ambition of the elite, not only do they become their Dupes due to their Stupidity, but they even love to be taken in by their tricks.��
�Well, Jeff, let�s not say that Americans are stupid, let�s just say that they�re really, really bad listeners regarding ideas they�ve already formed an opinion about.�
�If you think that�s bad,� said Janeane, �how about when Kerry said that he didn�t own an SUV�but then when they asked him about his wife�s vehicle he said, �That�s the family�s S.U.V.� Or the time on St. Patrick�s Day when he said, �I may not be Irish, but at least I�m not French.� And if you ever ask Ralph Nader what he thinks of him he won�t shut up about how he�s almost as much of a Corporatist as Bush. And worst of all was the time Kerry was asked about the collision on the slopes with a secret service guy. He actually said, �I didn�t fall, that son of a bitch knocked me down.� I mean, what a jerk!�
�So, teacher, who would you have preferred instead of John �Reporting-For-Duty� Kerry?�
�Do you even have to ask? I mean, it�s completely beyond me how the other candidates were able to say with a straight face that General Wesley K. Clark wasn�t the most electable and most qualified. The Democrats owe everyone a big apology for even having to waste all that time and money on the primary process; not to mention for dividing and conquering themselves by playing politics instead of just showing a unified front the one time it was a desperate imperative. I mean, do you have any idea how many oodles of folks said they could have voted for Clark over Bush, but not Kerry over Bush?? To top it off, after the election Kerry told Tim Russert: �I can understand why some people may have been uncomfortable changing commander-in-chief during a time of war.� Well, DUH. You would think he�and the rest of the Democrats�would have figured that out BEFORE the election...and thus realized the need to put everything they had behind General Clark so that they could have run a campaign on one word: UPGRADE.�
�But, teacher, that would have been undemocratic to skip the primaries.�
�You say that as if not having all of the primaries on one day doesn�t totally undermine the democratic process anyway; (or that Kerry�s the better man merely by virtue of having been able to avoid dropping out because he could afford to gamble on mortgaging his home). Besides, what�s so anti-democratic about acknowledging that one particular man happens to be the best man for the job, hands down? I�m not saying that the candidates and constituents shouldn�t have had a THOROUGH debate on who was the most qualified and electable beforehand. I�m just saying that I find it incomprehensible that they didn�t all come to this simple and obvious conclusion, especially at this particularly delicate moment in history. But, heck, why should I have expected prudence from dopes who were so irresponsible as to trust *The World�s Biggest Schmuck to act in good faith�and who still fail to acknowledge their blame and apologize for
the fact that, HEL-LO!!!: IT WAS UNCONSTITUTIONAL FOR CONGRESS TO ABDICATE ITS AUTHORITY TO DECLARE WAR!! (If you believe otherwise, then ask
Thom Hartmann and Senator Robert Byrd, or read Peter Irons� War Powers.)�
�Well, teacher,� said Kathy Bushman, �according to one gentleman I met who would�ve voted for Clark but didn�t vote for Kerry: �The Democrats must have a death wish.� So I guess that�s why they�re so unpragmatic.�
�But he�s a general,� said Carl Webb, the second most immature student in the class. �How can I, a person of peace, vote in good conscience for a man who believes in war? I could certainly concur that he�d be the best man for Secretary of Defense, but a military man has no business in the Oval Office, especially since he wouldn�t immediately pull us out of Iraq if left up to him.�
The teacher told Carl to go stand in the corner for making blanket generalizations; and told him he�s welcome to stay after class to go over the fallacy that Wesley has some reason to apologize for his role in Kosovo. �For now, though, Carl, don�t think for a second that casualties wouldn�t have been greater if anyone else had lead that operation. After all, it was his insistence on fighting in a manner that would minimize civilian casualties that got him retired early. Frankly, I�m very sorry I didn�t hit folks like you over the head with a sledgehammer so that you�d understand that in a multi-lateral peacekeeping operation the more middlemen there are in the command structure of the decision making process, the greater the likelihood of tragedy and the delay of success. Thus, conversely, even if peacenik Kucinich were the president and he delegated all matters pertaining to Iraq and national security to Secretary Clark, in all discussions with allies and potential allies Clark would always be lacking the critical advantage of being able to, unequivocally, say, �I�m the guy.� �And if someone�s got a knife in him you don�t just pull it right out.�
But a gay soldier who had served with Wesley said, �Well, I�m offended that he didn�t say he�d force the Pentagon to revoke the �don�t ask, don�t tell� policy the way every other Democratic candidate did. He merely said that he�d tell the Pentagon to come up with some other compromise for him to review.�
The teacher told that student to come stand front and center, and then told him: �Grow up, you little baby!! In the real world a politician has to be sensitive to backlashes that will occur if you impose a new framework into an institutional mindset too suddenly. Just because you�re in the right, doesn�t mean it would be politically expedient for Clark to shove such an objectionable policy down their throats. Frankly, you would think that the other candidates would have deferred to Clark on this since �obviously� a military man would have a better grasp of the delicate psychological and political dynamics involved. �It�s called picking your battles; a k a priorities.�
However, Martin Sheen and Rob Reiner told the teacher that they had to back Dean because Wesley initially said he�d be for an amendment against *flag burning. �Well,� the teacher said, �we�re all quite taken by what pillars of uncompromising principle you both are. But the man spent his entire adult life amongst those who have the most emotional attachment to that symbol, so, good for him for being empathetic towards his fellow soldiers. Anyway, why hold it against him? When Democrats gave him flack for saying that, he compromised and said, �I�ll let the people decide.� That certainly sounds like someone who is about listening and facilitating democracy. Besides, didn�t you notice when he didn�t undermine Michael Moore�s right to label W. a deserter? What�s more, Clark said that when he became president he�d hold genuine monthly town hall meetings. That, gentlemen, would be the ballgame.�
�Teacher, ever since Peter Jennings turned Moore�s remark into Clark�s political deathblow when it should have been Bush�s political deathblow, I�ve had to take medication to control seizure attacks. Do you think I should sue The Liberal Media for not doing their job back in 2000 by making sure that every American knew that Mr. Bush
is indeed a deserter; (let alone making sure that everyone was aware of Bush�s insider trading fraud with Harken Energy along with the fact that Bush lied 3 times in 2000 when he told reporters that the extent of his D.U.I. incident in Maine from 1976 was that he was pulled over and then paid a fine at the police station that same night and that was the end of it�despite the fact that records indicate something much different)? After all, it�s documented that Bush totally fits the definition of �deserter.��
�Great idea. In fact, let�s file a civil suit for their complicity in allowing W. getting anywhere near the White House, then also a criminal suit for enabling the Iraq invasion. Both cases will be open and shut, merely requiring the time needed for the jurors to read Kristina Borjesson�s Feet to the Fire: The Media After 9/11, Eric Boehlert�s Lapdogs, and John Nichols� and Robert W. McChesney�s Tragedy & Farce: How the American Media Sell Wars, Spin Elections, and Destroy Democracy.��
�Be that as it may,� whined some other student, �Clark has never been a legislator, so he wouldn�t know what to do. Only a bureaucrat can get anything done in a bureaucracy.�
The teacher told that student to go stand in the other corner because �It�s pretty darn myopic to think someone who�s that motivated and that accomplished wouldn�t be able to get the job done. But don�t just take my word for it; ask the 55 ambassadors who endorsed him. They probably had confidence in the guy because he�s a West Point valedictorian economics Rhodes Scholar with 3 Master�s Degrees from Oxford University (and in the perfect subjects: economics, political science and philosophy) who speaks 4 languages. He even taught economics and political philosophy at West Point. He also worked at the White House Office of Budget and Accounting and has an investment banker�s license and was on the board of directors of a business and even started one of his own. He was also the military equivalent of mayor of a 10,000-man base. And as the Supreme Allied Commander of NATO nobody can beat his track record for being able to walk the tightrope between logistics, politics and diplomacy when leading a military intervention by many nations in concert, which you would know if you read his book, Waging Modern War.
�Besides, experienced and brilliant or not, a president doesn�t need to have legislative experience to be able to negotiate and orchestrate. He merely needs to understand the potential of the bully pulpit. President Clark would simply stand in front of Congress on live TV and say, for instance: �From now on we�ll have instant run-off voting and Election Day will be a day off; plan B contraceptive pill will be over-thecounter for any age group; hemp, pot and recreational drugs will no longer be outlawed; and we�d appreciate it if folks started using the words �shrew� and �grouse� instead of �bitch.� And this month�s reading assignment is: Jeff Faux�s The Global Class War, *David *Sirota�s Hostile Takeover, Congressman John Conyers� Preserving Democracy: What Went Wrong in Ohio, Sen. Byron Dorgan�s Take This Job and Ship It, Ravi Batra�s Greenspan�s Fraud, David Cay Johnston�s Perfectly Legal: The Covert Campaign to Rig Our Tax System to Benefit the Super Rich�and Cheat Everybody Else, and John Perkins� Confessions of an Economic Hitman. So next month, Congress, when I say, �For the love of God, this has got to stop .� you�ll all know what I�m talking about. If anyone has a problem with any of that then stand up and say why.� (While he�s at it, he ought to ask those 7 criminal Supreme Court judges to resign or defend their justification in saying that it was wise and just to put Paula Jones� rights ahead of the safety of the entire country. (Where�s Howard Dean when you need him?))�
�Nonetheless, teacher, according to many in the military Clark �sold his soul� in order to move up in the ranks sooner than he deserved. And Wes� superior, General Hugh Shelton, showed contempt for him when he said, �I wouldn�t vote for him.��
�I can�t believe that suckers like you fell for that smear campaign! I would have thought that anyone following the campaigns so closely would be political savvy enough to not needed it pointed out that, sadly, Shelton and many of his buddies in the Pentagon were shaking in their combat boots at the prospect of an honorable military man with accounting skills coming in to clean house. And since Shelton won�t even elaborate on why he said Wes was fired for character and integrity issues, I�m gonna give him the benefit of the doubt, especially since there�s also a slew of his former colleagues who feel that *his due praise cannot be overstated. So, just because I think his character is lacking because he likes to hunt, it doesn�t mean he lacks character. Because, frankly, I have serious trouble doubting the *character, integrity and valor of a man who volunteered to go to Vietnam and then opted to commit his life to serving in the military instead of resting on his exemplary academic laurels in order to make a million dollars a year.�
�Teacher,� General Barry McCaffrey concurred, �we could fight Kosovo a thousand times, and we would lose a thousand times. *Wes Clark is a national treasure. [And you know who else would concur? The former heads of West Point and Annapolis, Samantha Power, Harold Bloom, Kris Kristofferson, Ted Danson Mary Steenburgen and the woman who headed up Kosovo�s resistance and human rights movement.]� �You ain�t kidding, Barry,� said Madonna. �When he was a 41-year-old commander his car broke down but he didn�t have the $2000 to get it fixed. So he spent a month in a junkyard rebuilding it from spare parts. That�s what you call A Man�s Man. Isn�t this what we�ve been dying for in a president!? A self-reliant guy who knows what it�s like to have to pinch pennies.�
For about a minute Stephen Colbert had been trying to contain his overwhelming church laughter, but then he inadvertently made a sound like he couldn�t clear his sinuses.
�Did I say something funny, Stephen?�
�You said that you expected the people who followed the primaries closely to be politically savvy. Yet the Kucinich-or-bust contingent needs to be told that, as Randi Rhodes put it: �He could never win an election because he doesn�t look good on the TV.� And the Deaniacs are oblivious to the fact that poise is a relevant attribute of a viable leader. After all, who among them anticipated that Rush Limbaugh would have had a valid point if he had been given the chance to say that it would be disconcerting to imagine al-Qaeda watching the Dean scream over and over the night before President-elect Dean was to be sworn in; let alone that any qualified pragmatist from the Dean camp would have known after the scream that it was time to cut their losses. Hence they would have seen the opportunity for Dean to put his stamp on Clark so as not to lose the leverage of his base, instead of just letting the chips fall where they may even if that meant we�d get stuck with two of the lawyers who think that the oath they took to uphold the Constitution only applies as long as it�s not a political hazard� one of whom is Hillary Clinton; and her contingent needs to be told that the last thing we need to do now is bend over backwards to polarize the nation even further.� �Teacher, I�m with you,� Drew Barrymore said. �I mean, Clark�s actually a cool guy who doesn�t try to fit into the stereotypical politician mold. Like, did you see when he was campaigning in New Hampshire at a pancake breakfast live on C-Span and someone asked what he�d do if anyone tried to question his patriotism? He jestingly said, *�I�ll beat the shit out of them.� Then when his aid was later asked if he meant to really say that, he told him, �He meant to say, �I�ll beat the living shit out of them.�� �Won�t that alienate The Christian Right?� Stephen asked.
�I didn�t see them make a fuss when Cheney, on the Senate floor, told Senator Leahy: �Go fuck yourself..� (�Let alone for Bush having once said to Al Hunt: �You fucking son of a bitch. I saw what you wrote. We�re not going to forget this.�)�
�Perhaps Bush�s supporters had the foresight to say nothing because they anticipated that it was only a matter of time before President Platitude�s true colors slipped out�as on July 27, 2005 when he gave the White House press corps the middle finger as he departed�so they knew it would be hypocritical if they had chastised Cheney for that. After all, they wouldn�t want to be hypocritical, that would be *undignified.�
�Still, teacher, Clark wasn�t such a hot campaigner,� lamented one student.
�And Kerry was? Besides, even though he had a few missteps (which were more the product of the media�s sophomoric way of analyzing), if you had seen the grace he exhibited in South Carolina as he answered a crying grandmother�s question about her grandson who died from not having adequate healthcare, you would have had no doubt in his sincerity and humanity. And if you had seen his speech at the Jefferson Dinner you would have, like me, been jumping up and down clapping ecstatically with anticipation over him being our next president. And if you thought for yourself then you wouldn�t have fallen for The Liberal Media�s bullshit when they said that it was down to just Edwards and Kerry even though Clark actually made a better showing in the previous day�s primaries than Edwards. And if you had any spine then you�d have boycotted CNN for not firing Bob Novak for the 2 asinine and unprofessional questions he asked Ted Danson and Mary Steenburgen. At any rate, do you want a man who knows how to campaign, or do you want a man who knows how to lead and govern? Besides, your point only underscores the need for Democrats to have simply rallied around him in order to help take up the slack left due to his inexperience as a campaigner. Imagine how the public would have reacted to him and to the Democratic Party if they had made such an unprecedented move. Everyone would have said, �Wow, the Democrats aren�t kidding when they say that they support our troops and that national security is their top priority; and, man, Clark is certainly someone who we can be proud to SHOW OFF to the world.��
�Well, hold on, teacher. What about the shoot-first-ask-questions-later contingent like Libertarian talk show host Neal Boortz and his ilk? They don�t like �Weasel Clark� because he was against the war.�
�Actually, if you read his Congressional testimony from September 26, 2002 along with what he said to The New York Times on his first day campaigning, you�ll see that �it�s not that simple.� It wasn�t about for or against. It was about timing and pacing�and whether or not Saddam Hussein was contained. In a nutshell, Clark�s brilliant philosophy is that you don�t bite off more than you can chew. (Which is also why he�d be a good president: he understands the basic principle of prioritizing resources.) As such, he knew that there was still plenty of time to merely nibble at Iraq so that they could finish what they started in Afghanistan. And, considering that, before 9/11, Collin Powell recognized that Hussein �has not developed any significant capability with respect to weapons of mass destruction. He is unable to project conventional power against his neighbors,� and that Brent Scowcroft also concurred that Iraq was still a backburner issue, it�s inarguable that we�d be better off if Bush and Congress had taken Clark�s word as gospel.�
�Look, teacher,� said Negative Nancy, �anybody with a fact checker and a soap box can prove to all sane people that Bush is nothing if not a mistake. But just because you can get virtually everyone to agree that *Mr. Bush is as bad as it gets and needs to resign, does not mean that you could ever get virtually everyone to concur that General Clark is as good as it�s gonna get for his replacement.�
�Then I must be a fool, because I can�t imagine who on Earth anyone could offer as an alternative whose track record of achievements could instill more trust and confidence than Wesley�s record. You would think that people would just be grateful a guy with such a r�sum� exists in order to make this such a no-brainer so that we could all unite behind the most universally amenable replacement; if for no other reason than to demonstrate to our troops that we really do support them�even if it means putting politics on hold. I mean, I dare anyone to pass a lie detector while saying: �I support our troops, and yet, despite Bush�s track record of much, much, much room for improvement as his role of commander versus Clark�s shining track record as a commander, I have every reason to believe that fewer soldiers would die under Bush�s continued command than would if Clark took charge.��
Then, Jack Nicholson raised his hand, and in his best Jack Nicholson impersonation drawled, �Teacher, c�mon. It�s an exaggeration to say that it�s a �nobrainer� to have to decide between an experienced and articulate West Point valedictorian who was endorsed by fifty-fucking-five ambassadors, or the �President� who can�t readily remember Kim Jong Il�s name and who doesn�t even fucking say boo when nobody bothers to inform him that his wife has been brought into a fucking bunker. You really shouldn�t be so flip about something that requires very serious reflection. (Besides, it�s not as if the Gulf States would find it particularly handy if we had the Supreme Allied Commander for a president RIGHT FUCKING NOW. After all, I hear that FEMA and Georgie-boy did a bang-up fuckin� job with their Johnny-on-the-spot response to Katrina! In fact, he was so on the ball with anticipating the unprecedented chaos that the meteorologists made abundantly clear was coming, that he still had time to spare for a round of golf and a guitar lesson on Day 2. �Yet you�d have us believe that Clark�s attitude and experience would have made all the difference in the world in a disaster of this scope, Mr. Histrionics. Perhaps you underestimate just how monumentally reassuring it was to see that when he finally addressed the nation on Wednesday he was sun burnt. And what could possibly instill more confidence in a crisis than seeing that the president is going to jump into the situation one-hundred-fucking-percent recharged from a month long vacation?)�
�Yeah, teacher, just because virtually everyone, after 9/11, said that it would be in everybody�s best interest to agree with the president�s decisions�for the country to be United� doesn�t mean that the non-lefties would ever be mature enough to just agree to agree for the sake of avoiding a leadership vacuum; and thus acknowledge that Clark has the potential to appeal to the farthest and widest swath of the public, thereby making him the clear best choice to take the helm. Because the bottom line is that if Clark were to commandeer the podium, then, being the good leader that he is, he�ll make us actually have to take our medicine and acknowledge that the status quo, at the very least, needs someone to hit the pause button. And you�re really overestimating the grit and solidarity of Americans if you think that they�d acquiesce to allowing in ****a leader who will force us to take off our blinders.�
�Perhaps, but I bet that once you finish reading this you�ll believe that even contrarians like Boortz will become just as motivated as the rest of us to carry �UPGRADE NOW� signs.�
�Teacher, you think you�re so smart, but I guess you didn�t know that Clark almost started WWIII with the Russians over an airfield. So, nyah, nyah.�
�For all anyone will ever know, he averted WWIII. What I know based on his account is that he verbally demarcated certain boundaries for the Russians not to breach. Said enforcees listened and complied. Clark�s side retained the upper hand. You think he read how to do that in a manual? You think he didn�t already know that that decision/recommendation could end up biting everybody in the ass? �Yet you�re
complaining. Be more thorough with your research. � [U-Wes-A.com/myth4]
�But, teacher,� Madonna said, �what about the fanatical nutjobs who claim that Clark would be just as bad as Bush? You can�t expect them to ever celebrate until the Socialist Party candidate becomes the president even though they�re not holding any of the cards.�
The teacher told Madonna to go stand in the other corner for dignifying such silliness.
�Still, teacher,� bemoaned the most immature student in the class, �how do you expect us Democrats to overlook that he used to vote Republican, especially since he never paid his dues?� �Tell me how that�s relevant to whether he�s honorable and qualified, or go stand in the other corner on one foot for daring to suggest that such *a hero didn�t pay his dues, YOU SILLY, SILLY NINNY!� �All right, all right. You made your point. The most important decision in the history of civilization and we flew right past the exit even though we had all the time in the world to do our homework. But even if we could convince Bush to be a hero and acknowledge that John Kerry is actually the legitimate president, that would still leave Wesley twiddling his thumbs on Fox News.�
�Do I have to spell out everything? Kerry could simply change his choice for VP to Clark and then resign the minute after he and Clark are sworn in.�
�Or, better yet, Bush could just fire Cheney and replace him with Clark and then step down. And then Wes could pick Dennis Kucinich as his VP and our friend Jim Hightower as his Press Secretary.� �Great idea,� said the teacher. �And then I can finally stop crying myself to sleep every night over the fact that America�s finest and most brilliant Patriot didn�t get the chance to demonstrate just how much character, heart and potential America actually has if guided by a true team player with the knowledge, experience and communication skills required to bring America�s ideals to fruition.� �And then Dennis could implement and head his Department of Peace and Efficiency wherein he�d initiate a plan to see that we allocate enough farmland to provide ample healthy food to all Muslims. That way it�ll be a deterrent for jihadists to nuke us since they wouldn�t want to taint all that valuable farmland. Because if we don�t come up with a long-term plan, we�re history.�
�Exactly,� the teacher said. �And here�s what I want you to tell Dennis for me. Everyone, write these two words down because it�s the most important *long-term strategy and no one else has thought of it: RENEWABLE ENERGY.� �Uhm, teacher, actually, a lot of people have already been harping on that. But I could see how even someone like you could have been fooled into thinking otherwise. Incidentally, teacher, can you please take a moment to hand out these flyers I printed up. If everyone each makes 11 copies and the people they give them to make 11 copies, and so on, then perhaps we�ll be able to de-escalate the predicament we�re in.� The flyer read: �Dear Iraqis, Afghanis and *everyone else caught in the wake of America�s ass-backwards foreign policy: Most Americans are supremely sorry for having been complacent in our duty to restrain our government from criminality and wanton violence. For what it�s worth, Americans are also perennially betrayed by this same government to one degree or another. For starters, we promise that every American will read Anthony Shadid�s Night Draws Near in order to understand exactly why we�re apologizing. Please tell us what else we can do�besides the obvious of replacing Bush with someone from outside of his bubble�so that you won�t want to kill �infidels� anymore. Surely there must be something American infidels can do to undo that status. According to Erik Saar [author of Inside the Wire: A Military Intelligence Soldier�s Eyewitness Account of Life at Guantanamo], one of our military linguists who interviewed a Muslim P.o.W., Muslims �greatly respect Christians and Jesus.� So, despite the 87
photos of prisoner abuse which have probably been made public by the time you read this�photographs that Republican Senator Lindsey Graham said �depicted rape and murder,� and Donald Rumsfeld described as �inhuman��please give us a second chance to show that we can indeed give more than mere lip service to Christian principles.� �On that note,� said Keith Olberman, �I put together a petition to alert Martha Stewart that all of the signatories will be setting themselves on fire unless Dawn is invited back for a second chance on next season�s The Apprentice. I swear that I came this close to biting the head off of a live chicken when Martha gave that project manager a free pass. Next thing you know she�ll be negotiating with hostage takers!� �Excellent, Keith. What better way to send the message that from now on grievous injustice everywhere will not be tolerated. Where do I sign? (�And if I was Martha�s father, boy, would she get a slap for not hiring Marcella.)� �Teacher, on that note,� Martin Sheen asked, �what the flurba was up with Randall denying Rebecca a spot alongside him on Trump�s team as well!? That was Donald�s most gracefully executed decision, yet Randall shot it down as if it were the cardboard pregnant mom at the shooting gallery!!� �I KNOW!�
�Teacher, I�m surprised that you�d want Kucinich on board since I got the feeling that you wanted to slap him for not having the political common sense pragmatism to drop out and endorse Clark.� �For not hedging his bets I do want to slap him, figuratively speaking. But I�ll have to let it go. After all, Wes deserves to be slapped as well for not setting himself on fire in order to insist that the powers that be listen to reason and experts; thereby sending in massive numbers of troops. In fact, all of the professionals in the know should have set themselves on fire in order to underscore the black and white argument that the �fighting them over there, instead of over here� strategy is cockamamie since it�s predicated on having unlimited troops, time and supplies.� �Uhm, not to be a pessimist,� said Janeane, �but it would take a miracle to convince Bush to step down of his own volition�even if Clark promised to pardon him as part of the deal.� �Tell me something I don�t know. But why should I doubt that this miracle could happen? After all, George is proud to be more Godly than the next guy so why would he hesitate at the opportunity to facilitate a miracle, or �be the miracle.� I mean, he said God wanted him to be president, so now is his chance to prove it since only a man of true faith could ever have the grace to hand his power over to the �other side.� Conversely, I said from the get-go that Clark was the miracle candidate, so perhaps this was meant to be. So, go get George�s prominent pals, Reverend Billy Graham and Pastors Joel Osteen and Jim Wallis, then tell them we have a situation that needs to be remedied URGENTLY; �unless you�d all rather just tuck your tails between your legs and resign yourselves to the fate of the world under Dubya�s watch. Personally, I�d rather believe that Paul Westerberg was right when he sang that �Miracles always happen when they have to happen.� And this needs to happen if y�all don�t want civilization to come to a crashing halt.� Forrest Gump, however, didn�t follow the logic. �Teacher, now you�re talking crazy,� said Forrest. �That man would not recognize a miracle if it slapped him on the buttocks.�
The teacher paused to reach into his mini-fridge and grab a pitcher of ice water to top off the glass on his desk. He took a small swig and then threw the rest in the face of a student in the front row to make sure he had everyone�s full attention.
�Class, in case you haven�t noticed, our foray into Iraq has become, in Clark�s words, �a crisis.� Four years ago I was warning that, since the troops didn�t have the upper hand, there was no reason to think that they would ever be able to gain it�and, therefore, our demise over was inevitable. (And they laughed at me when I pleaded with people to tell Bush that the honorable and smart thing to do was to just concede that Clark is the inarguably better man for the job and would trounce Bush come election time, so Bush should have just resigned for Clark the day he threw his hat in the ring, then he could start doing damage control sooner than later. Call me crazy, but wouldn�t such a graceful, magnanimous, and correct gesture have been the simplest, most healing and most unifying decision possible?) Now, granted, as much as the current situation has borne out my prescience, General Clark says that we can still achieve success. But of course, as he explained on The O�Reilly Factor on June 29, 2005, achieving that success will hinge on the right decisions and acts of diplomatic finesse. And, as he reminded O�Reilly, he�s successfully finessed our allies before, so he knows it can be done�if the right guy does it. (I missed the beginning of the interview, so I don�t know if he reminded O�Reilly that virtually every decision pertaining to Iraq has been off the mark; as, for instance, Clark mentions on p. 171 of his book: �Disbanding the Iraqi army�effectively adding 400,000 angry, armed men to the ranks of the unemployed�must rank as one of the least efficacious moves in recent U.S. peacekeeping operations.� And p. 169: �Despite all the evidence pointing to the unsuitability of the Army to a long overseas deployment, no extra resources had been provided to prepare for a drawn-out campaign in Iraq. Moreover, other diplomatic levers had been neglected and international alternatives discarded. U.S. foreign policy had become dangerously dependent on its military. The armed forces were practically the only effective play in the U.S. repertoire.� ...p. 147: �[N]o alternatives to the use of force were attempted. Longer-term containment, accompanied by intrusive inspections, was dismissed without real discussion. The viability of inspections was consistently undercut by statements from leading administration officials who debunked them in principle as ineffective. Therefore, it mattered not whether Saddam complied with the UN Security Council Resolution or not�no compliance would ever have been adequate to assuage the Bush administration�s concerns about his hidden capabilities. [�]Nor was any evidence presented of any imminent Iraqi threat to the United States or its allies. And imminence was the key.�)
�We�re in a nosedive, class. And when you�re in a foxhole it doesn�t hurt to pray for a miracle. Bush stepping down for Clark with the blessings of Grahm, Osteen and Wallis is the only way I can foresee us threading this needle. You can�t force the man to do it, but you can force into the public arena the reminder that conventional wisdom understands that a leader is not doing his people any favors by holding on to his power when his international reputation is less than rock bottom, especially if he brings absolutely didley squat to the table.
�No one disputes that going in with too small of a force was a catastrophic mistake. The only thing worse than making a catastrophic mistake is to not acknowledge it. President War Monger remaining in charge is to not acknowledge an even bigger catastrophic mistake, thereby compounding the problem irreparably.� �Ya know, the teacher makes an excellent point. I mean, how could anyone dare argue that Bush stepping down would be unwise? You�d have to claim that putting your worst face and worst decision maker forward is good diplomacy. Seriously, just imagine how much tension and hostility would be defused in the Middle East and North Korea if we hung up an �UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT� sign; not to mention the likelihood of renewed co-operation with our allies, most of whose leaders already personally know and respect General Clark. (In fact, he�s even been knighted SIX TIMES.) Because, you�ve got to admit, nothing would kick off a great new
reputation like the motto: AMERICA�WE ADMIT OUR MISTAKES.� �Ya know what else would totally minimize the animosity the rest of the world has towards us?� Chris Rock posited, �if a transcript of today�s discussion was posted online for the whole world to read. I mean, it may not be the Christian thing to do, but golly gee wiz, the joy our adversaries would revel in if it were publicly acknowledged that President Prevaricator is *the ultimate ignoramus and fraud. It would even give them a reason to at least postpone attack plans so they could see what else America had in store to *humiliate the man. *For example, Saturday Night Live could *teach the terrorists how to laugh again by doing nothing but sketches about how the Republicans and the media would have reacted if Clinton had said and done all of the things we�ve been so blessed to witness with Dubya. �I�m just sayin�.�
Sydney Blumenthal then spoke up to underscore the point: �[Indeed], until we have a new president, no matter what President Bush might do in abandoning his past policies, it will lack ****credibility in the rest of the world at this point. And even if Bush put in a whole new highly competent staff, they cannot be expected to overcome the internal bureaucratic struggles within the administration arising from the power of the vice president. We could suggest many new ideas, but they would fall on deaf ears.�
�Look, teach,� Dennis Miller snapped, �I don�t know where you think you get off, but��
�Shh!� the teacher sharply interjected. �I have just two words for you, Dennis: Jeff Gannon.�
Dennis started to respond, but then just shut his mouth in dismay realizing what a fool he�d look like if he tried to defend such tactics by the Bush Administration. �What the hell was I thinking?� Dennis thought to himself. �I supported a man who put a friggin� ringer in the White House press corps�and they used a gay male prostitute with bullshit journalism credentials. How the hell did they think that The Liberal Media would let them get away with such an embarrassingly infantile and transparent slap in the face of Democracy? �Wait a minute. They did get away with it! Geez, I feel like such a nincompoop.�
�Okay, teach, I stand corrected,� Dennis conceded. �Perhaps I can make it up to you by teaching George how to say those words.�
�Teacher, instead of explaining all of this yourself, you should just insist that everybody watch O�Reilly�s interview with Wes. Because, as I watched him explain things with such poise and command of the big picture, I couldn�t help thinking that even most Republicans watching must have been thinking, �Goodness gracious, we had the chance to let THIS guy call the shots, yet we turned it down?! Woe is me.��
�Well, I thought of that, but I�m just afraid that too many people would slit their wrists when realizing what a criminally tragic error this was. However, you should make it mandatory that soldiers check out Clark�s book, Winning Modern Wars, his illuminating, MUSTREAD articles, �Broken Engagement� and �Before It�s Too Late,� as well as his Jan. 30 speech: � The Real State of the Union�; along with Larry Diamond�s Squandered Victory, Leon Hadar�s Sandstorm: Policy Failure in the Middle East, Thomas Ricks� The American Military Adventure in Iraq, and Michael Scheuer�s Imperial Hubris: Why the West is Losing the War on Terror�(it should be illegal for Rightwing talking heads to continue to bloviate on this topic any further until they, too, have checked these out); because people who put themselves in harm�s way on our behalf deserve to fully understand how and why things have gone so poorly; and how well they could go if handled by an honorable leader who knows what he�s talking about. But if any of you would like to get brownie points, watch the hearing on the Valerie Plame leak from July 23, 2005. Then write a thousand word essay explaining how come The Liberal Media didn�t have every nightly newscast lead with the headline: �REPUBLICAN CIA OFFICIALS PROVE THAT BUSH AND COMPANY HAVE NO CHARACTER; AND, DUE TO THEIR OVERZEALOUSLY PETTY WAYS, HAVE SERIOUSLY JEOPARDIZED THE SECURITY OF THE NATION.� For additional extra credit, watch the documentary Uncovered: The Whole Truth About The Iraq War. Then, if you can get me to retract my conclusion that this movie is irrefutable proof that Bush�s modus operandi is exactly the opposite from the behavior one would expect from the type of man Bush paints himself as, you will get credit for the tattoo �I love Turd Blossom,� which I�ll get on my forehead on your behalf.�
�Teacher, you forgot to mention the proof of how corrupt the Pentagon/Cheney-Bush/ Halliburton is that was presented on C-Span September 16, 2005 during the Senate Democratic Policy Committee on Contracts in Iraq. The two women who testified were loyal Republicans with impeccable credentials.� �And,� said Keith Olberman, �you also forgot to mention Philip Giraldi�s article from the October 24, 2005 issue of The American Conservative. It�s really one of the most shocking and infuriating things you�ll ever read regarding how this Administration�s flagrant malfeasance has completely lead to the worst foreign policy catastrophe in history; as well as directly contributing to the unnecessary loss of lives. I don�t know what�s more vexing, the details in the story, or the fact that the Bush Administration still remains in office despite this article being in the public domain. Although I guess it shouldn�t surprise me since I�ve already read Larry Diamond�s book, which should have been subtitled: A President�s Guide to How Not to Make All the Wrong Decisions When Acting as Midwife for Democracy in the Middle East.� �Speaking of wrong decisions, teacher,� Stephen Colbert asked, �how do you think Colin Powell sleeps at night?� �Stephen, *that man is deader to me than Tony Blair. And for mentioning his name in my presence your penance is to go to the media room and watch 11 hours of footage of Condoleezza Rice.� �NOOOOOOOOOOO!!� screamed Stephen. �Teacher, speaking of Turd Blossom,� Kathy Bushman asked, �how come people like Larry King and conscientious Republicans haven�t held Bush�s feet to the fire for not firing him for saying of Valerie Plame that she�s �fair game�? ...Let alone for the crap he pulled with John McCain in the South Carolina primary, or the fact that in 2002 he was caught saying that the Iraq war would be the ticket for Republicans and Bush to get re-elected so they should capitalize on it by stigmatizing Democrats as unpatriotic.�
�If such people actually respected American values then we wouldn�t even be having this discussion since W. never would have been allowed to run for governor in the first place, let alone the presidency.�
�Teacher, I can believe in a miracle happening, but we should have a backup plan, like impeaching him with the Downing Street Memo. Surely you�ve heard of it. After all, The Liberal Media has been talking about it around the clock since the day it was first reported in The Times of London on May 1, 2005. According to a former CIA official it�s not an exaggeration to say it was a smoking gun that proves they took us to war in bad faith. (�Not that we needed such a memo to ascertain that Bush is more full of shit than a baby with the runs when claiming that he took us to war as a last resort, right, Douglas Feith?)� �Are you kidding me? You expect anyone to have faith in the process while Republicans are in control?! I suppose that next you�re going to tell me we should just be patient until the 2006 elections and hope that the balance of power shifts even though you know full well that the Republicans stole the presidency both times and who knows how many other seats besides the
obvious examples of Chuck Hagel and Sonny Perdue; (�And has anything been done to prevent them from doing it again? According to Mark Crispin Miller�s Fooled Again and Greg Palast�s Armed Madhouse, no.) I mean, Ambassador Joseph Wilson established for a FACT that Bush LIED�L-I-E-D�during the State of the Union address when he said that Iraq was trying to get uranium from Africa. In fact, those same 16 words had already been removed from a non-televised speech 3 months earlier on Tenet�s insistence. Yet, were there repercussions for Bush for such an egregious, criminal, irresponsible and sophomoric interpretation of reality? Did any one person anywhere make any other person have to fucking ACCOUNT for those words of fiction?� [Crickets chirp] �(And, what�s so frighteningly bizarre about it�and directly parallel to how the Jeff Gannon and Armstrong Williams charades were so above the surface�not only did they attempt to deceive us, but, somehow, they either overlooked that Wilson would call them on it�or they just didn�t think it would matter if he did. Rice is on record as saying that, indeed, those 16 words were �a mistake.� Mr. Bush himself stated that, ultimately, he was responsible for the speech. So by what terms is he defining �responsible�?) �So what makes you think that just because you have �proof,� or �evidence� that *he deserves to be put in The Hague, we should now suddenly expect the media, Congress or the uber-rich to start behaving as if it�s incumbent upon them to take him to task? I mean,*like, yesterday, when Bush said that critics were rewriting history, do you think any of the press is going to ask him if he thinks that the Downing Street Memo should be included in the history books? Do you think Oprah Winfrey, Ted Turner and Bill Gates will step up to the plate and pay for every billboard in America to display the 2/08/06,
4/25/06, 8/01/06, 10/03/06 and 11/21/06 installments of Tom Tomorrow�s �This Modern World�? Or do you think that the press is ever going to stand up to W. and say, �Sir, we�ve finally read Craig Unger�s House of Bush/House of Saud, as well as Gerald Posner�s Why America Slept: The Failure to Prevent 9/11, so now we have to ask: *What the fuck?�? Or do you think Wolf Blitzer is ever going to read Kristina Borjesson�s Into the Buzzsaw: Leading Journalists Expose the Myth of a Free Press and then admit that he and his ilk should be at the top of the shit list? Or do you think I should hold my breath waiting for Bill O�Reilly to say, �Gee, it turns out there�s a direct correlation between the deaths of those miners and the lax safety standards due to the coal lobby�s donations to Bush�? Or do you think Darin Kagan, Bill Hemmer, Mark Davis, Rusty Humphries, Tammy Bruce, Laura Ingram, Mike Church and Glenn Beck will apoplectically muse, �MICHAEL CHERTOFF�S EXCUSE FOR CUTTING NY�S TERRORISM FUNDING WAS THAT NYC HAS NO NATIONAL MONUMENTS OR ICONS???!!!� Or do you think Jon Stewart is ever going to take off the kid gloves and spank the living shit out of guys like Ed Gillespie? Or do you think Tom Brokaw will have the decency to declare on the evening news: �Folks, upon reading Mary Mapes� new book, Truth and Duty, we at NBC News can now say in good conscience that Dan Rather had the story straight�it�s highly probable that those documents were authentic; and dishonorable behavior is not �honorable� just because they say so�? �OR DO YOU THINK THAT HARD-HITTING KATIE COURIC WILL FORCE THE WALLS TO COME CRASHING DOWN OVER